People are asking about a dress. Someone took this photo of a dress and posted it to Tumblr.

The Dress

A dress (blue)

Apparently many people are convinced it is white and gold.

A great debate ensued, many Buzzfeed articles were borne of it.

It is not white and gold, it is blue and black.

Blue dress on website

The Dress for sale (also blue)


The 9p Miracle

How much was your last toothbrush?

£4, but on a BOGOF?
£39.99, but half price at Boots so only £19.99?

It’s very easy to spend upwards of £2 on what is literally just a bit of plastic, and much more if you believe the hype. I’ve tried many over the years. Gum massagers, flexible necks, cross-cut bristles, all that shit.

I was suckered into the electrics for a while but realised they didn’t clean my teeth any better. Also, buying the specific heads was a PITA and locked you in to the pricey OEM parts, razor blade style.

My lovely wife does the non-technical procurement in this household though so I got used to whatever she bought, which tended to mean whatever is on offer at Tesco at the time. All branded stuff – Oral-B or Colgate – though, none of the cheap crap. Teeth are, like, important, yeah?

As dentists recommend I much prefer a soft brush, but it seems that all the common ones are “medium” with soft very thin on the ground. Some of the branded stuff stretches the definition of medium though, with extra long ‘penetrator’ bristles and the like.

I began to look more closely at the price of them when the kids got to an age where they were needing proper brushes. “How much?!” was pretty much my initial response, “Fuck that!” being the second.

I needed a new plan. A Brushtrategy for the 21st Century.

I was working in Aylesbury at the time when I was due for a new brush. I walked past a branch of Morrisons (ack!) each day on the way to work so I popped in there. No deals on, but I spied a pack of two plain white and distinctly ‘70s-looking brushes in a pack labelled ‘Medium-Soft’ so thought I’d take a punt.

The price? 18p

Yes, 9p a brush. Bargain.

Finding out that they brushed much better than the previous Colgate job I was chuffed to bits. At that price you could use a new one every week and still be quids in!


Some 9p miracles, yesterday

I’ve since switched to the Tesco equivalents as they come in different colours so me and the kids* can keep ours separate (important when you see how, erm…careless then can be with them). They are labelled ‘Medium’ but just as soft as the Morrisons’ ones.

Still only 18p a twin pack though. I suspect some cartel-like activity to fix the price of poverty-spec brushes…


Can’t get over it.

What a rush.

Do yourself a favour and try these bad boys. Spend the money saved on beer or smack or handbags or whatever. Martin Lewis? Take a hike, buddy!

*The missus remains a stooge for Big Dental though, the snob in her insisting that a £2 toothbrush much be at least 20x better than a 9p one so she refuses to switch. I laugh at her pathetic profligacy.

3DO Need For Speed – Official World Records*

In the haul of ‘stuff I thought I’d lost in a hard drive crash but recently found again‘ was a folder of screenshots (literally, ancient Fuji digital camera pointed at my old rear projection telly) of the original Need For Speed on the 3DO. They were taken in about 1999 after I got my first flat and dug out the 3DO after a few years of Playstation-induced exile. I still have it, wonder if it still works?

Anyway, it was such a great racing game, real heart-in-mouth stuff. Of course the Ferrari 512TR bossed pretty much everything in the game, with the Diablo only really outgunning it in terms of top speed on the very open first stage of the City route. All the other cars were pretty much curios.

I’m pretty sure at least some of these records are about as fast as you could go on these courses. It seems the Internet is lacking a hall of fame for this game, I therefore humbly submit…

3DO NFS city1

3DO NFS city_total

3DO NFS coastal1

3DO NFS coastal2

3DO NFS coastal3

3DO NFS coastal

3DO NFS coastal_total

As the fella in the FMV clips said, I was one serious driving machine.

*may not be 100% official

Unexpected item in bagging area

Next time you are in Tesco, at the self-service tills, listen out for the phrase “Clubcard accepted” from the lady trapped inside the POS terminal.

Tesco self-service checkout

A Tesco self-service checkout, yesterday

Listen for it again. Shouldn’t take long, she says it a lot.

It certainly sounds like “Clubcard accepted”, doesn’t it?

Or at least it would do if she wasn’t actually saying “Clubcard excepted”.

Now listen again. Carefully.

Clubcard excepted

Did the money-crazed fools at Tesco think we wouldn’t notice? What exactly is their game?

Are they just trolling us?

Is it part of a NWO plot to keep us feeling uncomfortable?

Or is it a glitch in the Matrix?

Smart shoppers may want to keep their wits about when in Tesco stores. Who knows what other unsettling devices they have up their sleeves?

Multibuys that work out more expensive than buying individual items may have been just the start…

Oil Musings

So, US are trying to suppress oil prices to pressurise Putin. Everyone knows that.

But at the same time, Saudi Arabia are happy with a depressed oil price as they have enormous currency reserves and a low price can only strangle/defer US shale output, so they seem to be happy to pump as much as they can. There is probably an element of US/Saudi collusion in this as the US couldn’t manipulate the market on its own, but at the same time a lot of US shale and conventional companies are sure to be hurting with the price this low.

Saudi Arabia won’t want to slacken off its production and watch players like Iran move in and fill the gap though. And other OPEC members like Venezuela want to pump more, but really need a higher price as they don’t have the luxury of foreign reserves like the Gulf states nor the political goals of the Americans. There doesn’t currently seem to be the will within OPEC to make a co-ordinated approach to reduce supply and shore up the price, and with the boom in Russian and US production they don’t have the ability to control the market that they once did.

Where the US views its short-term target price is unknown, but I see a lot of figures suggesting $80-85 is necessary to keep its unconventional production in the black.

Who knows what under-the-table deals the US Govt. is keeping US producers sweet with while this all plays out; promises, guarantees or plain old subsidy dressed up as economic incentive. I’m willing to bet there have been many conversations about this on Capitol Hill though, with countless ‘off the record’ assurances. With the WTI price sinking under the symbolic $50 though there must surely be limits to the level the US Govt. is willing to underwrite or risk domestic production and, by extension, revenue.

What the US needs is for a way to stifle Gulf exports to allow its producers maximum control over the market without explicitly swatting down the Saudis or rattling OPEC via political tactics. What a surprise it would be, for example, if a security crisis started to unfold in the Gulf region that threatened exports just enough to restore the oil price somewhat but prevented Gulf states from influencing the price.

A tanker or two being hijacked/set ablaze in Hormuz should do it. Or perhaps an ISIS-themed skirmish in the Gulf itself. Just enough justification for the Fifth Fleet to steam in and monitor/chaperone traffic under the pretense of security, while of course severely hampering movements. The Venezuelans, Libyans and Nigerians would be jumping for joy, but I’m willing to bet that’s a price many in Washington would accept.

But of course the US would never get involved in something so underhand.

Would it?

Email unsubscribe workflows

Here are what many email unsubscribe workflows look like:

  • Click ‘unsubscribe’ link in footer of email, be taken to page pleading with you to stay. You have to enter your email address then be taken to a page where you have to confirm, yet again, that you wish to unsubscribe.
  • Click ‘unsubscribe’ link in footer of email, be taken to login page. You have to log in with username or email address (it’s often not clear which they expect) or, worse, some arcane account number you have to dredge up from a previous email, and enter your password (which inevitably needs reset) before you can confirm you wish to unsubscribe.
  • Click ‘unsubscribe’ link in footer of email, be taken to a page with a number of radio buttons and checkboxes for different kinds of newsletters and alerts you never remember being an option when you created the account. Spend 20 seconds reading them them realise that the actual ‘unsubscribe from all communications’ link is actually on another page. Click through to that, click ‘yes I’m sure’ to unsubscribe.

Some workflows incorporate elements from all of the above. Government Gateway sites, I’m looking at you…

What an email unsubscribe workflow should be:

  • Click ‘unsubscribe’ link in footer of email, be taken to page confirming your opt-out will be actioned. Button to cancel if you clicked ‘unsubscribe’ by mistake.

One click, motherfuckers. It’s not hard.

We Didn’t Start The Fire

Move aside, Tim Rice.

Simon Cowell, Dr Fox, Reddit, Meme, Gogglebox
One Direction, Nigel Farage, #susanalbumparty
Abu Hamza, Katie Hopkins, Ricky Gervais, Chucklevision
North Korea, South Korea, Emeli Sandé

Jägerbombs, Paxman, MailOnline, Cameron
BoJo, McIntyre, and the NHS on fire
Boko Haram, TOWIE, England’s got the same Queen
Margaret Thatcher, Ian Paisley, Michael Jackson goodbye

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Jimmy Savile, Max Clifford, Glitter and big Cyril Smith
Michael Winner, Peter Andre, Northern Rock
Chemtrails, Donald Trump, 9/11, 4Chan
Cat bin lady, Botham shows his cock
iPhone, Steve Jobs, Man U’s got a losing team
Amy Winehouse, Kim Jong-un, Al-Megraghi, Disneyland
Mumsnet, Dapper Laughs, Brian Harvey, Chavez
Princess Di, Fifty Shades, Trouble in the Suez

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Brian Cox, Loose Women, Justin Bieber, Leveson
ATOS, G4S, Pistorius got five
Lebanon, Charlie Sheen, Hillsborough Enquiry
Bin Laden, Jony Ive, Fuck-all bees in the hive

#penisbeaker, Burka, Sepp Blatter, Ebola
Rainbow Loom, Serco, AV is a no-go
U2, BNP, BBC and ITV
Richard Dawkins, SEO, Kony in the Congo

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Mandela, Concorde, ISIS claim a lot of land
Gaza, Merkel, Say hello Higgs boson
Cumberbatch mania, Celeb Paedophilia
Ronnie Biggs, Tony Benn, Facebook worth billions

Jan Moir, Pope Francis, British Politician sex
David Kelly blown away, what else do I have to say?

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Masterchef, Littlejohn, Berlusconi back again
Mooncup, Woolworths, Gamergate, The Rock
UKIP, Osborne, Palestine, No-one on the Air Line®
Twitter ban in Iran, Who’s not in Afghanistan?
Downton Abbey, HS2, Referendum, Doctor Who
Foreign debts, Quentin Letts, AIDS, Crack, Little Mix
Asylum seekers on the shore, Right-wing press dictate the law
Disney making more Star Wars, I can’t take it anymore

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
But when we are gone
It will still burn on and on and on and on
And on and on and on and on…

With obvious apologies to Billy Joel and all music fans everywhere.

The Pitfalls of Kickstarter

I admit it. I’m a sucker for crowdfunding.

Pebble. 3D printers. Meades. Bluetooth speakers. Mucho-cheapo Arduino Leonardo. Someone who just wanted a fancy new PC.

I’ve funded ‘em all. Over 20 projects now, but as usual the first one holds a special place in the heart; the ‘PID-Controlled Espresso Machine‘ which didn’t even have a proper name when I first backed it via Kickstarter in late 2011.

A ZPM Nocturn as seen on Kickstarter

A Nocturn, yesterday

What is it? Well, it’s an espresso machine with a CPU-controlled pressure/temperature feedback control which promises world-class coffee at a hitherto impossible price. I was taken by its timely arrival at the confluence of cheap Arduino-type control and an obsessive open-source enthusiasm.

It was subsequently christened the ZPM Nocturn and I was and remain super excited about it as a product, not least because I’m still waiting so see so much as a bolt, filter or button of it.

Yes, in a somewhat inevitable turn of events, this has turned out to be one of Kickstarter’s less successful projects.

For its time, the $369,569 it raised, over 18x the funding goal, meant this was one of the bigger early “success” stories on Kickstarter. In fact, it was so successful that the makers had to reassess their plan of casting the heating block themselves (Yes, really. How quaint!) and move to an altogether more commercial-scale approach to manufacturing.

Strange thing is, if they had stuck to their original plan after maybe only attracting 2-3x the funding goal, I might be looking at one in my kitchen right now. As it is, the updates were frenetic as the Kickstarter moved towards its end and new features and options were being proposed on an almost daily basis as the kitty swelled. The purchase of an industrial laser was mentioned. A frickin’ laser…

It’s fair to say the whole thing had gone right to their heads.

So, here we are nearly three years since the funding period started. Why write now? Well, although I’m a ridiculous optimist about most things, over the last few months I’ve grudgingly accepted that I may now never see my new coffee machine. It’s sad to say, but the complete lack of communication for about a year shows that the people behind ZPM have no real idea what they are doing (lasers, remember?) and have:

a) run out of funding,
b) designed a product that doesn’t work,
c) designed a product that can’t possibly be sold for anywhere near the Kickstarter price, or
d) some combination of the above.

I’ve seen project that have been run like clockwork with almost hourly comms despite a huge level of additional funding (see the Arduino project linked to at the top of this article for a prime example), but in the last year or so the ZPM project has basically stalled into a “We’re waiting on UL certification” and “The Kickstarter page or our forums(!) is not the place to discuss production plans and hold-ups, please send us an email(!!) and we’ll respond to you directly”.

Now, to me that just screams bullshit. The internet being the internet means we can see them hawking for funding elsewhere (pretty much confirming reason a, above) and the secretive and hyper-defensive tone of their communications suggests real problems with delivery, going far beyond the bureaucratic hoops that UL may or not be presenting.

For the benefit of the wider public and any backers who can’t be bothered emailing them, this is what they said to me:

Hi Gordon,

I wanted to reply to your recent comment in more detail.

We fully understand the frustrations around updates and communication. Our preference has always been to be as detailed as we can when discussing the production process with backers – that’s part of what’s interesting for everyone. This has caused us problems in the past, and partnered companies have mentioned updates and backer comments as cause for concern/complication. For example, UL has mentioned discussion of open sourcing the code, and interest from backers, as cause to initiate extra rounds of review to ensure that appropriate failsafes are in place for this type of machine.

This doesn’t reflect an absence of internal updates and progress reports. In several cases our attempts to be detailed in our communication with backers has been at odds with the goal of actually getting machines out. At this point, we have to prioritize working with the companies who are helping us get this project done. We know this is a departure from everyone’s immediate preference, but we hope you’ll understand.

Currently the gating item is still UL, but we haven’t encountered any show-stopping issues – just a continuation of the review process. We’re using the extra time to improve code stability, confirm back-up suppliers, and make preparations for product support so that we’re able to provide long-term services once the machines to start shipping out.

Happy to answer any other questions you have! Thanks very much for your support and patience!


I may be daft, but to me that just says sweet fuck all about anything. I’ve written enough bullshit justifications in my time to know one when I see one.

The thing is, you should never underestimate the goodwill and patience of folk like me, folk that tend to do shit like Kickstarter, because it doesn’t take much to keep us happy. Just some honesty and detail about what you’re doing with our money is enough to sate us for a stupidly long time.

Don’t get me wrong, I really, really want them to pull this rabbit out of the hat and prove me wrong, but I’m pretty much resigned to losing my cash on it now.

I should say that I don’t believe there was ever an intent to have things work out this way. In the early days it really seemed like they were just getting to grips with things and, while a little bit ragged, were doing their best. However, as time went on it became more and more obvious that they were either out of their depth and/or had been shafted along the way themselves and were (are?) desperately trying to salvage the project.

So, chalk one up to experience. It’s only a couple of hundred bucks after all and at least I got a blog post out of it, right? Also, it’s not as if I haven’t done well out of almost every other project, from doubling my money on the (disappointing) Pebble by flogging it to some other mug a discerning tech-head within hours of receiving one of the first units in the UK, to some lovely personalised books (thanks, Phil Kay).

"I still want fucking paying"

“I still want fucking paying”

I still use crowdfunding sites – I’m waiting for my Modern Toss coffee table opus and M3D printer (who wants a 3D-printed boaby?) to arrive in the next few weeks and months – and remain under no illusion that there is a risk attached to such things, but while my ZPM interest remains unrequited let’s just say I’m not the evangelist I perhaps once was.

Mocking comments accepted :)

Indyref – The Final Mile

So, we’re nearly at the end of the indyref campaign period, and as folk queue outside polling stations these are the big things I’ve taken from the campaign:

  • Politics without politicians – despite the No campaign’s desperate efforts to characterise the debate as ‘The SNP vs. everyone’, the most encouraging thing about Yes is that is has garnered support from a remarkably wide section of society.

    It’s been said better a thousand times elsewhere, but this is A New Thing® for most people and is not going to go away, whatever the result of the referendum. It’s what happens when people feel they can actually make a difference. Contrast with the meagre and declining turnouts for general, local and – especially – European elections.

  • Is this what democracy looks like? All three (four?!) Westminster parties singing from the same hymnsheet, telling us what’s best for us? We should strive for an end to detached, prescriptive governance, designed to ensure compliance and suppress free will and political diversity.

    That politicians are seen to “jet in” to tell people how to vote before buggering off again says volumes. And they wonder why people are disengaged from politics? (but are oh so happy for them to continue being so)

  • Rash promises made without consultation or due process – playing sections of society off against each other, provoking those who would seek to pitch benevolent, generous English against ungrateful, sponging Scots.

    The frantic appeasement offered in the dying days of the campaign is an insult to the people of the UK (for all would be affected) and democracy in general.

  • Heart vs. head – The fact that the conventional wisdom that Yes would be led by the heart, appealing to base nationalistic instincts, all Braveheart and shortbread, with No the rational option, backed up with facts and figures, was completely turned on its head.

    While both campaigns put up various figures and illustrations to support their view, it was the No side that found theirs wanting on more occasions than not, and indeed the Yes argument was pretty robust for any willing to look beyond the accepted narrative as given by the media and establishment anyway.

    No also managed to contradict themselves in spectacular fashion, with Ian Wood’s much-trumpeted oil reserve figure of 16BBOE being a complete change from the UK Treasury’s standing assessment of 24BBOE, and indeed Mr Wood’s previously quoted figure of the same.

    Similarly, the No campaign would vigourously try to claim that an independent Scotland would be forced to use the Euro and/or join Schengen, whilst simultaneously claiming that entry to the EU would be impossible or take decades. Which is it? Again, anyone seriously looking into this would quickly see though the nonsense, but it seems a lot of people are happy accepting this level of BS, and our loyal media were not exactly falling over themselves to analyse and dismantle such nonsense.

    In the end it was No that resorted to the desperate, emotional appeals to ephemeral notions of ‘a family of nations’ and ‘best of both worlds’ as their main weapons in the days leading up to the 18th, while Yes were reduced to tirelessly restating the same rebuffs to the many falsehoods and half-truths that had been floating around for months, hoping that the media would actually pick up on them for once. Whodathunkit, eh?

And, in a nutshell, the three things I see as the most important to arise from a Yes vote:

Representation – the best chance of the people of Scotland receiving representative governance, built on the already fairer part-PR model of the Scottish Parliament, but to extend much further with constitutional rights and obligations enshrined in law.

Equality – the best chance of reversing the recent trend of concentrating wealth amongst the already wealthy, eradicating extreme poverty and bringing an end to the demonisation of the less fortunate. A big ask? Well, you can’t shoot for the moon if you’re sitting chained in the basement.

Nuclear proliferation – removal of the useless, wasteful hypocrisy that is Trident from Scottish territory (and potentially from the rUK), freeing up £billions and showing the world that responsibility and resolve need not mean the perpetual empty threat of the use of weapons of mass destruction.

All the rest (currency, EU, NATO etc.) are just procedural and technical issues.

Some recoil in horror at such statements and I’ve discussed as much with no voters who take the “How can you possibly be so flippant, these are important issues!” but the point of government and politics is to sort that kind of shit out, it’s not a job for a referendum. I assure you, as someone who had plenty time to consume everything and all about the referendum (read: I was unemployed for large stretches of the campaign!), I didn’t come to these conclusions lightly.

Nothing in these areas should scare sovereign nations with experienced and talented statemen and women, collaborating with other states as equals, and it’s all but inevitable that a great deal of uncertainty will fade away in the days and weeks following a Yes vote as rational thought and self-interest replace campaign rhetoric and political posturing.

Independence is a start, not the end. Here’s to the future.

Drink Peroni Nastro Azzurro? Read this.

Supermarket beer, particularly anything bottom-fermented that can be bought in volume for less than the price of a mid-sized BMW, is a pretty grim state of affairs. You’ve got the usual roster of Fosters, Carling, Beck’s, Budweiser, Kronenbourg, Stella, Carlsberg, Peroni, San Miguel and maybe stuff like Coors Light or Heineken. In Scotland you can add Tennents to that list. Whoopy-doo.

Now, although I like my beers I’m not such a snob that I’ll avoid fizzy piss as a keep-in session-type option. I actually prefer it to many ‘real’ ales which often don’t translate well to bottling. Besides, beer drank at home is often a refreshener after a long day, or a barbeque lubricator, so a nicely chilled pilsner is really what I’m after in those circumstances.

What I do have a problem with is spending my hard-earned on stuff that tastes like something you’ve just cooked rice in *looks at Budweiser*.

Discounting the obvious piss-from-an-over-hydrated-jakey stuff like Coors Light and Budweiser (Why? Why do people keep buying these?!), there are a few beers in that list that can be passable for the intended purpose. Most are brewed in industrial estates in Burton mind, but that’s not the point.

Added to this is the issue that some beers seem to cause my rosacea to flare up, a side-effect that took many, many months of careful experimentation to prove (or at least that’s how I justified excessive alcohol consumption to my GP). Lots of the mega-volume stuff was pretty bad in this regard actually and is studiously avoided for that reason.

So, many years ago now, the beer that I settled on as my ‘standard’ house lager was Peroni Nastro Azzurro. Blue Riband. Classy, eh?
4 x 330ml Peroni
By a weird coincidence this happens not only to be the most expensive option, but is also one of the few volume lagers that is actually imported from its homeland, and that generally doesn’t give a serious hangover. Strange, that…

I have since drank many, many bottles of this stuff (my recycling bin is a noisy embarrassment) and over time noted that its quality would vary from ‘excellent’ to ‘pretty poor indeed’. When it’s good it’s excellent, when it’s bad it’s a complete rip-off considering the inflated price.

In time, and with superhuman dedication to the cause, I started to notice a correlation between the beer’s quaffability and its point of origin. This was possible because Birra Peroni are kind enough to stamp each bottle with its source brewery, and I identified a distinct heirarchy amongst them.

From best to worst, it goes like this:

Padova/Napoli (the latter relatively rare in the UK currently it seems)

The taste gap between them is actually surprisingly large and also very consistent. If Nastro Azzurro from Padova or Napoli is a 1 then stuff from Bari would be a 3 or 4 and a Roma bottle a 6 or 7. If I plotted other supermarket lagers on the same scale I’d put Beck’s at about 4 and Budweiser at 10, so that gives you some idea of the spread of quality.

The bulk of the stuff you can buy in the off-trade nowadays seems to be Padova or Roma so there is merit in being fussy here. Bari is relatively common but Napoli stuff is only seen on occasion in my experience.

It’s gotten to the point that I will actually pass on Roma stuff nowadays, preferring to get something else entirely. Now this is easy of you’re buying the 4x330ml or 3x660ml packs as you can check the back label on one of the bottles, but what about the 12 or 18 cases?

Well, although I’m sure this wasn’t always the case, it turns out that the code on these now gives a source location too. It’s not as explicit as on the bottle, but there will be a three character code on the dot matrix print on the top of the box that tells you the producing site. This will be:

PL1 – Padova
NL1? – Napoli (to be confirmed, I’ve not seen one in the wild)
BL1? – Bari (also rare I think, can’t recall seeing one since I spotted this nomenclature)
RL1 – Roma

Quite often the same store will have Peroni from two or more sites, depending on the SKU, so IMHO it’s worth seeking out the Padova or Napoli stuff and paying the slight premium for the 4 packs if need be, or just getting something else.

So, the next time you’re drinking a Peroni and think “Hey, this is pretty good” or “WTF? This tastes like Carling” then check the label and see if my assessment stands, and do yourself a favour and seek out the good stuff where you can.

p.s. None of this applies to the draught Nastro Azzurro found in pubs which is, without exception, overpriced pish. Buy a real ale instead.